Wife to a Father

As women, we all strive to be better wives for our husbands and mothers for our children. But often times we can neglect another important role in our lives:

Being a great wife to the father of our children.

When we think of our relationship with our husband, we think of strengthening our bond in marriage through stronger intimacy, romance and sexuality. But when we have children with a man, that transforms him into another role.

Just as we are wives and mothers, they are husbands and fathers. This new role should not be forgotten, but rather honored and adored.

With Father's Day nearing, take a moment to reflect on how you are as a wife to a father.

Do you praise him appropriately for all he does with and for your children? Do you recognize all that he has sacrificed to become a father? Do you honor and thank him for the vital role he plays for your kids day in and day out?

Remember that we are the most important role model for our children on how they should treat and respect their father.

This Father's Day, take the primary role in showing the father of your children how much he is loved and appreciated for all he has done. Lead them by example. Act toward your husband as you wish your children to act towards their father.

Strengthening your bond with your spouse is very important and recognizing all the areas of his manhood is vital in doing so.

Are you being the best wife to a father than you can be?

For more homemaking tips, check out: The Better Mom

Fiscally Responsible Date Night

Like most couples, my husband and I enjoy a date night every once in a while. After spending my days cleaning spit-up, changing diapers and transforming Transformers, a little adult company sans kiddos can feel like a tropical vacation. But constant date nights can get expensive, and finding regular babysitters to head out for a night on the town can prove problematic.

Instead, my husband and I have adopted a great, though unorthodox, evening at home that offers us all the coveted joys sought in an evening with your spouse: alone time, deep communication, practice in conflict resolution and patience, soul-searching, and planning for your future together all without costing you a cent.

How do we achieve all of this in a single date night?

Discuss our finances.

At first thought, this may not sound like the most stress-relieving, romantic time with your spouse, but let us take a moment to see why it can be.

What is more stress-relieving than having a strong hold on your financial situation?

By keeping the lines of communication open on this subject, you will build strong bonds of commitment, understanding and togetherness. By spending your night together hashing out your budget and making major financial decisions, you will grow together in the one area that is often mentioned as a top reason couples separate. How wonderful would it be to come together on this topic as opposed to grow farther apart?

As for the romance, you must create it! Set the tone for your evening by altering your surroundings. Rather than sitting together at a cold, businesslike desk with a strong overhead light and pens in hand, rethink where you discuss your finances.

Consider moving it to the living room or den, softening the lights, adding some lavender-scented candles, a dish of chocolates, some wine and play a romantic CD in the background. Set the mood of which you fantasize about when you think "date night" and the romance will follow. Having a soft, romantic ambiance will keep you both calm during those heated moments of your discussion (which there are bound to be).

And don't skimp on the emotion. Part of being a solid couple is being open and expressive with your spouse in every way: from joy to worry to anger. Stay away from name-calling, negative behavior, or blame but be open about your own thoughts and feelings about your fiscal situation. By making yourself vulnerable, you will grow closer together as you work through any conflicts or decisions.

So next time you are considering a pricey date night or night out, rethink your plans and try staying home, cuddling on the couch and planning your financial future. The more often you make this your alone time, the easier and more rewarding it will become.

Be open. Be honest. Be productive. Be romantic.

For more great homemaking and marriage posts, check out: To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Far Above Rubies, The Better Mom, Learning the Frugal Life, Growing Home, and Time Warp Wife

A Year of Relaxation, Freedom and Joy

One year ago today I started A Beginning. I began a new journey, unsure of what it would entail yet anxious for where it may lead me. It began a hobby and has since grown into a passion.

February 15, 2011 was the birth of TheNorthForty.

Today, I wish to celebrate that beginning and thank each of you for helping me reach where I am now, a year later. I set out "to bring ideas to others about ways to constantly re-evaluate processes in your life in order to live a life of relaxation, freedom, and joy." I have received so much positive feedback from my readers and am grateful for every word. I write this blog for each of you; not necessarily with the intention of giving you tips and tricks, but rather to constantly keep your mind thinking of new ways to improve your life. Always changing your mindset, growing and becoming better in every aspect of your existence.

It started with a simple beginning and has developed into a personal journey of growth to Relaxation, Freedom and Joy. Here, I would like to share with you some of my favorite posts from the past year's journey as well as some of the most popular:

Cleaning

Cleaning Rush!
A Country Cottage on Laundry Day
The Forgotten Soda
Would a Rose Covered in Dust Smell as Sweet?
Two Steps to Happy Homemaking

Frugal Living


Frugal Blogs: Maximize the Benefits
It's 12 Noon, Frugal Time
Convenience Leads to Successful Frugality
I'm a Hippie and I Have the T-Shirts to Prove It
Sugar Bomb in a Bowl? Not For Me!

Marriage

With the One You Love...
Learn to Be Loved
How To Be A Perfect Wife
Love Means Looking Into Yourself
Risk Your Marriage

Parenting

Where There Are Purple Flowers
Tangible Artifacts of God's Graces
Honor, Remember, Incorporate
I Am Certainly Not a Natural
Being Judged: A Sign You Are Now a Parent

Quality of Life

Don't Balance, Fill
What Have You Learned From a Duckbill Platypus Lately?
Find Smart Self-Help Books
Burn It Before You Eat It
Share the Vibrance of Your Gifts

Recipes

Depression Casserole
Tangy Chicken and Rice
American Chop Suey
Polenta Quiche
Vegetarian Fried Rice

I thank each of my readers from the bottom of my heart. Without you, this blog would not exist. I hope for many more years of writing to help others continue to achieve Relaxation, Freedom and Joy in their lives.

Linking up with: 5 Minutes for Mom, Time Warp Wife, Far Above Rubies, A Bowl Full of Lemons, Raising Homemakers, Clean & Scentsible, Creatively Living, Marriage from Scratch, Romance on a Dime and Ginger Snap Crafts.

Simply Valentine's Day

Today is a simple day in our home. There are no over-the-top traditions. No stocking up on candy, making late night dinner reservations, or splurging on jewelry and roses.

Today is just a day when we take an extra minute to remember what love is about, whether it is between a husband and a wife, a child and a parent or a brother and a sister.

Today we will snuggle up with the children to read Guess How Much I Love You. We will craft some hearts, birds and roses in honor of St. Valentine. My husband and I will reminisce about the days of our courtship and share a simple and endearing embrace as we cuddle with our newborn.

We will thank God for the love that we have in our home each and every day and vow to continue to show one another how we feel always.

In our home, Valentine's Day is not about cards, candies and flowers. It is a simple day in our simple lives with simple reminders of our love.

And we simply love it.

For more great Valentine's articles, check out: 5 Minutes for Mom

Reflections of Care

"Remember that children, marriages, and gardens reflect the kind of care they get."
~ H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Seven Years

Today my husband and I celebrate our seven year wedding anniversary. I will never forget the day we celebrated our seven month dating anniversary:

We were in college and were getting ready to attend a yearly formal dance. My husband and his friend secretly surprised my friend and I with a double-date, complete with a dinner in the dormitory kitchen before heading off to the dance. My husband also surprised me with a new watch (since I used to always lose my watches) and a dozen roses: five white and seven pink, to symbolize our seven months together. The dance took place on a boat floating down a river through the city. We passed under a beautiful bridge adorned with soft blue lights. My husband named the bridge after me as we passed beneath it.

The night was magical.

At that time, only seven months into the relationship, I knew that he was the man for me. I knew that I loved him and would always love him with all my heart. I had no idea what the future held for us, but I knew that I would welcome every minute of it. We were married one year and 8 months later.

Now, married seven years, we have built our dream lives together. Each day we spend as parents, friends, lovers and soul mates, our lives are enriched further and further. Those seven months of dating seemed to be the best of my life, but the past seven years of marriage have trumped it over and over again. I cannot wait for the next seven years...and the next seventy years...

I love you, TyKes Dad! Happy Anniversary!

 

Give Frugally, Show Love (Link-Up!)

With all the hustle and bustle of buying gifts and checking off lists, it can be very easy to spend far too much money during this time of year. Christmas is certainly not a time of year when frugality shines. So how do you stay within a tight budget and still be sure that you have satisfied everyone on your list and showed them how much you care?

Give gifts of love.

I have talked before about Dr. Gary Chapman's book on The Five Love Languages. Each person has a different "language" in which they express and feel love: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation or receiving gifts. The fraction of people who feel love primarily through giving and receiving gifts is quite small. Basically, that says that you can show most people how much you care this time of year by saving your money and giving them a "gift" based in their love language.

Do you know someone who lights up any time you run an errand for them? Then for Christmas, perform as many acts of service as you can for that individual. They will feel more loved and thought of than if you purchased them hundreds of dollars of gifts.

Have a friend that is always grateful when you are there for them? Shoot to spend as much quality time as possible this Christmas season. Get together and do their favorite activities or just enjoy an afternoon of coffee and chatting.

Do positive words set your loved one's hear aflutter? Write them a poem or letter expressing how much you care. To make it even more powerful, read it aloud to them set to their favorite music.

If physical touch is what makes your friend or family member feel special, offers a lot of hugs throughout the day. Cuddle up together for a movie. Better yet, offer a massage or backrub complete with aroma therapy.

Of course, there are people who feel the most loved by receiving gifts, so by all means give away! But remember that just because someone's love language is gift giving does not mean they are focused on the price tag. Most enjoy handmade gifts and bargain deals as long as they are thoughtful.

So this year, think outside the box. Consider each person's love language and decide how you can make them feel the most loved and thought of this season. Christmas is not about price tags or quantity of gifts. It is about sharing love for those around us in the best way we know how.

Find more great homemaking tips at: Frugally Sustainable, Raising Homemakers, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, Life as Mom and Women Living Well.

Marriage Defined

"Marriage, n: The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two."
~ Ambrose Bierce

A Godly Home

“I believe that a godly home is a foretaste of heaven. Our homes, imperfect as they are, must be a haven from the chaos outside. They should be a reflection of our eternal home, where troubled souls find peace, weary hearts find rest, hungry bodies find refreshment, lonely pilgrims find communion, and wounded spirits find compassion.”
~ Jani Ortlund

The Get Dressed Challenge

As a stay-at-home mother, getting dressed can sometimes be a challenge for me. While I try to get the children dressed every day, I tend to lazily enjoy the comfort of my pajamas. This becomes most prevalent on laundry day when I am folding the clothes and separating them into piles and my pile seems to be void of jeans, shirts, or any pants that do not have an elastic waistband.

The worst part? I have not purchased a pair of pajamas since high school. I am still wearing the same old t-shirts and comfy shorts I wore all through college. Some are full of holes. Some covered in stains. Some barely recognizable as clothing. It is so bad that when my husband was helping me fold laundry not too long ago, he held up one of my pajama shirts and said "even I wouldn't wear this anymore." Yeah, it was that bad. He then ever-so-sweetly threw it away for me.

I suppose I have painted a pretty clear picture of why I need the Get Dressed Challenge. I am following along with Sarah Mae over at Like a Warm Cup of Coffee while she helps women get motivated to get dressed everyday and throw on some cute shoes to boot.

As I have entered my third trimester of pregnancy, I have begun feeling more lethargic and, quite frankly, like the size of a house. I think this challenge is exactly what I need to feel feminine and beautiful again and to remind myself that I matter too. It is so easy to get caught up in our family's needs that we women can overlook the importance of putting some time into ourselves. And wouldn't our husbands find it a nice treat too?

So, for the sake of my femininity, my marriage, my self-esteem, and my extreme need to ditch the holey pajamas, I am taking the Get Dressed Challenge. I am a little late joining the challenge, but it is never too late to start feeling better about yourself! Please head on over to Like a Warm Cup of Coffee and join me in the journey from Frumps to Pumps!

Learn to Be Loved

Every person has a different way in which they give and receive love. Some need hugs and physical contact while others crave hearing "I love you" or receiving a bouquet of flowers. Dr. Gary Chapman refers to this as the "five love languages."

While the differences in many relationships keep it unique, fun and challenging, they can also lead to some major fights and resentment when partners do not recognize how one another need to be loved. In many cases, people don't even know their own "love language," let alone their spouse's.

Dr. Chapman addresses this very clearly in his book The Five Love Languages. He explains how each person relates best to one of five languages: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation or receiving gifts. I encourage you to read his book to learn more.

Odds are, even if you do not feel that your spouse shows you how much they care, they probably do it everyday. You just may not be able to recognize it. So how, then, do we achieve feeling loved in our own relationships?

Like many ventures in life, we must learn. It helps to know our own love language, but that still is not going to make your spouse love you the way you want. If you only focus on your love language, you are asking your spouse to change for you, which is a battle in which no one wins and resentment grows stronger, pushing the two of you further apart. Rather, learn how your spouse craves and gives love then learn to accept what they offer. Bear in mind, this is no easy task, but if you succeed you will continuously feel loved and validated in your relationship, as will your partner.

To learn how your spouse gives and receives love, you must study them. You can make a list throughout the day of things they did for you, no matter how big or small. Did they hug you? Fill your car with gas? Go out of their way just to spend an extra moment with you? After listing each item for a series of days, you will begin to see a pattern. You will notice that they always kiss and touch you or that they always give you things or do you favors. The most common act is probably the way they show love. (An added bonus of this exercise is that it really allows you to focus on how much your spouse truly does for you, which is bound to make you appreciate them even more!)

Test this out and adapt their methods for use on them. If you find them constantly saying "I love you" when you tend to be a less verbal person, break out of your box and use words to show them how much you care. You will start to recognize easily all the moments they are showing their love for you and they will notice the changes in you as well. Dr. Chapman mentions that adapting to someone else's love language is truly like learning a foreign language; it can be difficult, but once mastered, it comes effortlessly.

Can't figure out your spouses love language? Then just go overboard and use them all! It can't hurt to show them in various ways how much you love them. Throughout the day, give them some quality time, use words to tell them how much you care, give them gifts (even a handmade gift will make their day), perform acts of service for them without being asked and shower them with hugs, kisses and physical touch. You may eventually see how they respond the strongest to specific gestures so you can start honing in your skills in those areas.

Recognize that you cannot force anyone to change or to do things for you that they do not feel comfortable with. In any relationship (including friends, parents, children and siblings), you can only control your own actions so if you do not feel loved, maybe it is time to take responsibility for your feelings and learn to let them love you.

Stop saying "he never tells me he loves me," "he never surprises me with gifts," or "he never helps me around the house." All that does is take the responsibility off of you and places it solely on him, which is not a fair way to approach any relationship. Recognize, instead, that your spouse probably does not realize how much you love them either and start showing them in their own language. Don't expect them to learn your language and don't resent them when they seem to have no desire to. That would be expecting them to change for you, which is never a fair thing to ask. Just learn their language and then become bilingual.

You can only control yourself, so why not start learning how to be loved?



Today I am linking up with: Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Far Above Rubies and Growing Home.

A Little Late But...

This post is almost a week late, but I still wanted to recognize the most amazing person I know.  My husband's birthday was last weekend and his gift was a hurricane and days without power.  It proved to be a wonderful birthday gift since it allowed us so much time together as a family.  It also made it so I could not properly say happy birthday to him on this website.

Happy Birthday to my Love!

You are my world.  Everything I do is for you and because of you.  I love you so much and I thank God everyday that I am yours and you are mine.  Thank you for all you do for our family.  You are an amazing father and the best person I know.  I love you.

"You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything."
~ Lifehouse, Everything

Faith Confessions

This week I would like to welcome Tara from Faith Confessions to TheNorthForty.  After much prayer and discernment, she has recently begun a new blog to follow her journey of faith, marriage, and motherhood.  I encourage you to head over and check it out.  Here is her introduction to her new journey of accountability:

As a newer mom, 10 months in, I find myself really analyzing who I am as well as who I claim to be.  All of a sudden the person that I am is more important than it ever has been as all my actions are under much observation not only by those around me but by the little guy who now sees me as his #1 mentor.  I am working on handling scrutiny from others including friends and family as a parent but what I was not expecting was the self scrutiny as not only a human but as a Christian.

My faith has always been important to me and the role it played in my life has varied over the last 31 years.  But now as a mother I have chosen to not ignore or downplay the fact that I am a lover, follower, believer, daughter of God.  But with all that being said at the end of the day I find myself reflecting on my behavior, my actions, my words, my attitude all while realizing there are many times that they would not fall under the realm of "godly."  I know I can be and am a better person on days or in many instances.  And I know that I need to turn more over to the Lord and trust in what will be but let me tell you, control is a hard thing to surrender.

I hope that somehow this site will connect me with myself and the person that I believe I am and I hope that my faith, family and those around me will benefit from the changes.  I am so grateful to the community of bloggers and friends who have become part of my life to make me feel comfortable enough to do this.  I think there are many others doing this in their own way on their blogs without spelling it out but I am a list girl and a girl who needs goals so spelling it out is essential to the truth of what I am doing.

I am not saying I need to be perfect.  Nor do I live in disbelief that I will never sin again but what I do know is that if I hold myself to the standard that I do others or that I claim to be then I will become a better follower, child, mother, wife, sister, friend and so on.

While there are so many people who have moms groups, friends, ministers and mentors to hold them accountable, I do not.  We are in the midst of making sure we are comfortable with the church we are attending thus are visiting a few others to confirm our choice.  So I have not joined bible studies or mentor programs.  And don't get me wrong, I will gladly join such activities once we are sure of our place of worship but honestly I think starting here will teach me that it is ok to divulge the truth no matter what.

I hope to hold myself accountable daily.  There will be good days and bad days.  I know there will be times of praise as I identify moments and words of accomplishments but there will also be moments of disgust as I address my downfalls as not only a Christian but as a wife and mother.  The goal is not to change who I am entirely but to understand that daily we give others impressions of ourselves that we often do not live up to.  I would like to make an effort to live up to them.

I am a worrier, a planner.  I will often make rash decisions and leap before I look.  I am hoping that being able to write it out and reflect I can live in faith, I can pray for the truth in our lives.  I am not looking for answers from the Lord as much as love and pride.   I am not wanting to be faultless or sinless because I do not believe that is possible but I do want to live a life that I can look back on and be proud of.

All this being said I hope you join me in my journey of accountability and faith.  It won't always be ups and it won't always be downs but I promise it will always be honest.  And I hope that at least one person feels safe enough and confident enough to share their experiences with me.  So after much prayer and taking the time to be still and listen my journey of accountability begins.

How To Be a Perfect Wife

In 1965, Helen B. Andelin wrote the book Fascinating Womanhood, published by Pacific Press. It was a textbook to teach high school women how to be the perfect wife and ensure happiness in their marriage.

Some may feel this notion is outdated, but I think it still holds true today.  No, I am not saying you have to do all of these things to be considered a perfect wife, but rather, note the attitude behind each action.  Notice that, ultimately, the writer is telling wives to be intentional in everything they do for their husbands.  By keeping his needs at the forefront of your mind, you will naturally feel more in love and in tuned with him and he will respond in kind.

While you read through this, don't focus so much on the tasks mentioned, but rather the purpose to each task:

GET YOUR WORK DONE

Plan your tasks with an eye on the clock. Finish or interrupt them an hour before he is expected. Your anguished cry, "Are you home already?" is not exactly a warm welcome.

HAVE DINNER READY

Plan ahead, even the night before to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

PREPARE YOURSELF

Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. This will also make you happy to see him instead of too tired to care. Turn off the worry and be glad to be alive and grateful for the man who is going to walk in. While you are resting you can be thinking about your Fascinating Womanhood assignment and all you can do to make him happy and give his spirits a lift. When you arise, take care of your appearance. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

CLEAR AWAY THE CLUTTER

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. in a bucket or wastebasket and put them in the back bedroom for sorting later. Then run a dustcloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order and it will give you a lift too. Having the house in order is another way of letting him know that you care and have planned for this homecoming.

PREPARE THE CHILDREN

Take just a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small) comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them look the part.

MINIMIZE ALL NOISE

Especially give heed to this if your husband has to join rush hour traffic. At the time of his arrival eliminate noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet at the time of their father's arrival. Let them be a little noisy beforehand to get it out of their system.

BE HAPPY TO SEE HIM

Greet him with a warm smile and act glad to see him. Tell him that it is good to have him home. This may make his day worthwhile. If there is any romance left in you, he needs it now.

SOME DON'TS

• Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Solve the problems you can before he gets home and save those you must discuss with him until later in the evening.
• Also, don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as a minor problem when compared with what he might have gone through that day.
• Don't allow the children to rush at him with problems or requests. Allow them to briefly greet their father but save demands for later.

MAKE HIM COMFORTABLE

Have him lean back into a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to massage his neck and shoulders and take off his shoes. Don't insist on this however. Turn on music if it is one of his pleasures. Speak in a soft, soothing, pleasant voice. Allow him to relax - to unwind.

LISTEN TO HIM

You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first, then he will be a more responsive listener later.

MAKE THE EVENING HIS

Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and to relax. If he is cross or irritable, never fight back. Again, try to understand his world of strain.

THE GOAL

Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit. Then add to this the application of all the principles of Fascinating Womanhood and your husband will want to come home. He will rather be with you than with anyone else in the world and will spend whatever time he can possibly spare with you. Try living all of these rules for his homecoming and see what happens. This is the way to bring a man home to your side, not by pressure, persuasion or moral obligation.

Did you notice how each task is about thinking of your husband's needs and trying to fulfill them?  No matter if it is the 1960s or the 2010s, isn't that what marriage is about?  Actively and intentionally thinking of your spouse's needs and doing everything you can to make them feel comfortable, happy, and loved?

I challenge you to intentionally focus on your spouse's needs.  Keep his needs at the forefront of your mind throughout your day.  You will be surprised how much more intimate your marriage will feel when you spend the day actively thinking about how to make your husband happy.

For more great articles on marriage and homemaking, check out:  Time-Warp Wife's 31 Days of Love and The Better Mom.

Tangible Artifacts of God's Graces

When I was single and had no children, laundry was a torturous weekly event that stole precious moments away from time that could have been spent socializing.  I didn't mind washing and drying.  That required little effort on my part.  It was the folding.  I had to stand there and fold each article, pairing socks, and putting everything away.  To be honest, I often would pull the clean clothes out of the dryer and leave them in the laundry basket, hoping nothing wrinkled too horribly, rendering it unwearable.  If it did, I just tossed it back in with the dirty laundry.

Now I am a wife and a mother.  Everyone knows marriage and children change everything, but sometimes you would be amazed at the small areas of your life it touches.  Especially laundry.

Do I like laundry?  No.  Do I dread it often?  Yes.  Is pairing socks as close to Chinese water torture that I have ever come?  Easily.
Do I smile as I fold each piece?  Always.

As I pick up my son's favorite Cars shirt, or my daughter's precious pink dress, or my husband's Green Bay Packers pajama pants, I cannot help but recognize the joy in the constantly breeding pile of laundry.  Each piece I fold is a reminder of the awesome life gifted to me by God.  Every article of clothing tells me a story, reminds me of each person's personality that I treasure so dearly, and gives me a tangible artifact of the most important things in my life.

Next time you are folding your laundry, look at each piece.  Notice the size, style, color, and wear of each shirt.  Recognize how you are folding an item that only exists in your laundry pile because of the treasures you have in your life.

You may even smile a little.

Living in Love by James & Betty Robison

In the book Living in Love, James and Betty Robison, a husband and wife writing team, focus on ways to fulfill your marriage and make it better.  They feel that "if you are willing to do what it takes, it's never too late to start doing the right thing" in your marriage (p. 10).  Filled with real-life examples, they walk you through the trials and tribulations of their marriage from start to finish and how they always stay focused on improving themselves to improve their marriage, while keeping their faith at the center.

A unique aspect of this book is that, unlike most marriage books, it is told from both perspectives.  Throughout the book, James and Betty switch back and forth, narrating their side of the story.  While this initially seemed like a good idea to make it a great tool for both men and women, the technique quickly grew redundant.  Having been together almost 50 years, the Robisons have similar perspectives on life and marriage.  Because of this, I felt like I was reading the same information twice as opposed to getting two different perspectives.

While this book did offer many good ideas and techniques to improve your marriage, such as focusing on changing yourself rather than asking your spouse to change and always keeping faith at the center of your marriage, I felt like I needed to fish through a lot of stories, narratives, and hypothetical questions to get to the heart of their purpose.

Overall, I would not recommend this book to someone looking for ways to improve their marriage.  At most, it may make a nice conversational book in a church marriage seminar.

Disclaimer:  I was provided with a complimentary copy of this book from Waterbrook Multnomah Publishing Corporation for the purpose of an unbiased review.  I received no other compensation for this review.

Are You the Right Mate?

"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate."

~Barnett R. Brickner

Risk Your Marriage

You've heard it all:  "Exotic Getaway to Boost Your Marriage!"; "Weekend Seminar to Rekindle Your Passion (Non-Refundable Deposit Required)"; "The Quick-Fix Book Series to Revamp Your Marriage in 10 Easy Steps, Buy Now for Only 3 Payments of $9.95."

We all have moments in our marriage when we really need that pick-up, whether they are little issues that are starting to grow, or major issues that have come to a breaking point.  There are millions of businesses out there that try to hook you in during your most desperate hours with seminars, books, and getaways.  We think that if we shell out a chunk of money, we can have that old spark back again.  But what happens after the seminar is over?  Or the the last page is read?  Or you re-immerse yourself back into the trials of everyday life and leave your carefree cabana behind you?  Rather than shelling out a lot of money for temporary fixes, try this:

Play a board game.

That's it.  That is my free marriage advice.  No gimmicks.  No fees.  Just a simple method that has been around for centuries.  You can buy one on clearance, at a yard sale, or even make your own.  The key is to spend time together with no distractions.  You can play anytime you like without having to put in for vacation time or take out a second mortgage.  By just interacting with one another on common, carefree ground, you will be amazed at the changes you will see.

Want to amp it up a notch?  Select your spouse's favorite game, even if you cannot stand it.  Don't gripe or complain about how much you don't like it.  Just play it and enjoy that your spouse is enjoying it.  Whenever you do something nice for your spouse, it makes them feel good and in turn you feel good.  This simple gesture shows a large commitment to their feelings and how much you value those feelings.  Just the other night, I suffered through a couple hours of a torturous game of Risk.  I knew my husband would beat me.  I knew he would gloat about it.  And I knew the constant rolling of the dice would begin to bore me.  But none of that mattered because he was thrilled.  We barely have the time for such a long game and I could tell it meant a lot to him when I offered out of the blue.

The next time you sit down to play, offer to play their favorite game again.  If they say it's your turn to pick your favorite, great!  Pick one and enjoy!  However, if they still want to play that same boring game you can't stand, play it.  No complaining.  No silent resentment that they didn't offer to play your game.  It is not about giving them what they want to ultimately get what you want.  It is about genuinely wanting to please them for the sole joy of pleasing them.

A successful marriage is not rooted in give and take.  Rather it is in the heart of just giving.  When you focus on giving, you will never have to take anything because it will all be given back to you in the long run.

So I challenge you to put a little Monopoly, Sorry, or Risk in your marriage.  Love does not have to come at a high price.

Girlfriends Should Come With Cup Holders

Recently, I came to a shocking revelation:  I cannot be everything for everyone.  While many of you may have figured this out a while ago, I took a little longer to reach this very obvious realization.  My personality type is an INFJ which, for those who are unfamiliar with the Myer's Briggs Personality Typing, essentially means I am a perfectionist.  I have a hard time shaking the notion that perfection is an attainable goal that, though met by very few, should be constantly strived for by all.

For example, the one area of my life in which I constantly strive for perfection is my marriage.  Let me be a little clearer; by perfection in my marriage, I mean I want to be perfect for my husband.  In his eyes, I want to be everything that he needs me to be.  I think this is a very common feeling in most wives, but it is a tricky goal to meet because it is so reliant on many outside factors, including children, careers, families, finances, spirituality, and even your spouse themselves.  My husband always reminds me that he thinks I am perfect for him but I always recall a specific moment when I clearly failed to meet his needs.

We were dating at the time and sitting in a common area of my college dormitory with another couple.  We were all sipping on cans of soda (yes, even though this is a college story, it really was soda) while lounging around on bean bags.  I was leaning against my husband (then boyfriend) while he was looking around for a safe place to set down his open soda can.  After failing to find a good spot, he looked at me, then at our friends and said, "Girlfriends should come with cup holders."  Of course, he meant it as a joke and to this day I do not believe that I should surgically implant a cup holder on my hip, but it is a fun example of how we can never be everything for everyone no matter how hard we try.

Lately, I have decided to wear many hats.  There are a lot of people who can wear many hats and manage just fine, even enjoy it.  I feel I need to be perfect at every hat I wear, so the more hats, the more stress, and the more I feel like a failure.  After a couple of weeks of a lot of stress and a lot of wallowing in feelings of failure, I realized that I will never reach perfection if I am too focused on the fact that I have not yet reached perfection.  It is very hard to focus on getting somewhere if you are too busy being upset that you are not there yet.  Even if you are a person who does not strive to be perfect in everything you do, you will still never be able to be the best you can if you focus too much on how you are not currently at your best.

So, from now on I am going to try really hard to strive for perfection in all areas of my life by not dwelling on the fact that I have not yet succeeded.  I challenge each of you to do the same.  Next time you become frustrated by a new job you have not fully learned or a new task you have not yet conquered, take a moment to think about the attainable goal you would like to reach, no matter how big or small, and focus on bettering yourself to reach that goal rather than becoming discouraged by how far you still may have to go.  If that doesn't work, maybe we can look into how much it would cost to get that cup holder implant.

Where There Are Purple Flowers

My husband and I met at a college where finding a chivalrous man was like finding a piece of hay in a haystack.  Everyone was overflowing with the quality.  A man would hold a door open for a woman and wind up stuck there while fifteen or twenty women also passed through the open door, and he would never once utter a complaint or shut the door in someone's face.  It was truly a blessing to be a woman on that campus.  Everyday you felt like royalty.  Chivalry was most certainly not dead.

My husband was no exception.  In fact, to me he seemed to outshine them all in that department.  He would hold open doors, get my food in the cafeteria, offer backrubs on stressful days, and buy me beautiful roses and candies just because.  He made me feel like a queen day in and day out.

After leaving the college, getting married, and having two children, the little things can start to give way to a busy schedule, a child always attached at the hip, and the sheer exhaustion that comes from parenting.  Neither person is at fault.  We find ways to keep our marriage strong, whether through tiny gestures or rushed intimacies, but as a woman who loves to feel like a queen, chivalry can start to seem like it is dying, or at least being hospitalized indefinitely.  He can no longer open my car door because he is buckling a kid in the backseat.  He can no longer buy me roses for no reason because we keep ourselves to a fairly strict budget with no secrets.  And backrubs are few and far between because he is too tired to give them, and I can't stay awake long enough to receive them.

After a while, it starts to feel like parenting killed chivalrousness.  Until your child reaches that special age.  That precious age when he excitedly runs up to you with a tiny purple flower plucked, with Daddy's help, from the yard.  When he hands you that simple little flower, you realize that chivalry was only hospitalized to give birth to an amazing miracle that holds more wonders and more surprises than anything you have ever known before.  This is when you pause for a moment and ask God to help you nurture that amazing seedling of chivalry planted in your child so he can grow into a man who continues to keep this treasured attribute alive.

As long as God nourishes tiny purple flowers, He will continue to give us the knowledge and strength to nourish chivalrous little boys.