I Have Nothing Better To Do

On Sunday, I had an experience that I have not had since my daughter was born over a year ago: I was home alone.  In the past, when I needed some alone time, I would always go out.  I never stayed in.  I had literally not been alone in my own home for over a year.  Weird, huh?

So on Saturday, I told my husband that I was starting to feel burnt out.  As the amazing man God has blessed me with, he generously offered to take both kids out for a few hours on Sunday.  I couldn't wait.  I couldn't wait to take a shower without having a little one pulling at the shower curtain.  I couldn't wait to blast my favorite music and dance around the house.  I couldn't wait to eat a baked potato with sour cream and not have to share it with anyone (my kids are potato hogs).  I couldn't wait to feel free for just a few hours.

Yet, when Sunday rolled around, I didn't feel free at all.  I took my shower.  I blasted my music.  I ate my potato.  I realized how unimportant all of that was.

I needed that alone time, but not to recharge my batteries.  Rather, I needed it to make me realize that this "alone" life is not what I want at all.  I missed my children.  I missed my husband.  I spent the day wishing I was with them.  By staying home alone to have "me" time, I missed my son excitedly scarfing down his restaurant lunch.  I missed my daughter "meowing" when she saw the kittens at the pet store.  I missed seeing my husband smile as he watched our children enjoying a day out.

It can be easy to burn out and start focusing on the constantly loud house, the defiant toddler insistent on doing everything themselves despite the mess, and the clingy baby who seems to always need a diaper change.  But once all that is gone, even for a short while, you start to realize how insignificant it all is compared to the laughter, the hugs, the knowledge that you are their world.

Why would I want to be all alone in my own house when it means forfeiting laughter, hugs, and love?  No amount of alone time will ever be worth it.  I needed those few hours of peace and quiet to realize that I have nothing better to do than parent my children.  And I needed those few hours to realize that I never want to have anything better to do.