Learn to Be Loved

Every person has a different way in which they give and receive love. Some need hugs and physical contact while others crave hearing "I love you" or receiving a bouquet of flowers. Dr. Gary Chapman refers to this as the "five love languages."

While the differences in many relationships keep it unique, fun and challenging, they can also lead to some major fights and resentment when partners do not recognize how one another need to be loved. In many cases, people don't even know their own "love language," let alone their spouse's.

Dr. Chapman addresses this very clearly in his book The Five Love Languages. He explains how each person relates best to one of five languages: acts of service, physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation or receiving gifts. I encourage you to read his book to learn more.

Odds are, even if you do not feel that your spouse shows you how much they care, they probably do it everyday. You just may not be able to recognize it. So how, then, do we achieve feeling loved in our own relationships?

Like many ventures in life, we must learn. It helps to know our own love language, but that still is not going to make your spouse love you the way you want. If you only focus on your love language, you are asking your spouse to change for you, which is a battle in which no one wins and resentment grows stronger, pushing the two of you further apart. Rather, learn how your spouse craves and gives love then learn to accept what they offer. Bear in mind, this is no easy task, but if you succeed you will continuously feel loved and validated in your relationship, as will your partner.

To learn how your spouse gives and receives love, you must study them. You can make a list throughout the day of things they did for you, no matter how big or small. Did they hug you? Fill your car with gas? Go out of their way just to spend an extra moment with you? After listing each item for a series of days, you will begin to see a pattern. You will notice that they always kiss and touch you or that they always give you things or do you favors. The most common act is probably the way they show love. (An added bonus of this exercise is that it really allows you to focus on how much your spouse truly does for you, which is bound to make you appreciate them even more!)

Test this out and adapt their methods for use on them. If you find them constantly saying "I love you" when you tend to be a less verbal person, break out of your box and use words to show them how much you care. You will start to recognize easily all the moments they are showing their love for you and they will notice the changes in you as well. Dr. Chapman mentions that adapting to someone else's love language is truly like learning a foreign language; it can be difficult, but once mastered, it comes effortlessly.

Can't figure out your spouses love language? Then just go overboard and use them all! It can't hurt to show them in various ways how much you love them. Throughout the day, give them some quality time, use words to tell them how much you care, give them gifts (even a handmade gift will make their day), perform acts of service for them without being asked and shower them with hugs, kisses and physical touch. You may eventually see how they respond the strongest to specific gestures so you can start honing in your skills in those areas.

Recognize that you cannot force anyone to change or to do things for you that they do not feel comfortable with. In any relationship (including friends, parents, children and siblings), you can only control your own actions so if you do not feel loved, maybe it is time to take responsibility for your feelings and learn to let them love you.

Stop saying "he never tells me he loves me," "he never surprises me with gifts," or "he never helps me around the house." All that does is take the responsibility off of you and places it solely on him, which is not a fair way to approach any relationship. Recognize, instead, that your spouse probably does not realize how much you love them either and start showing them in their own language. Don't expect them to learn your language and don't resent them when they seem to have no desire to. That would be expecting them to change for you, which is never a fair thing to ask. Just learn their language and then become bilingual.

You can only control yourself, so why not start learning how to be loved?



Today I am linking up with: Women Living Well, Raising Homemakers, Far Above Rubies and Growing Home.